What do you tell a toddler whose beloved dog has died? Far more difficult, how do you comfort a youngster who has lost a grandparent, a friend, a sibling? When are children old enough to attend a funeral--and how can you best help them through the experience?

Such critical issues of communication have been addressed by three SIUC educators in a new book called Helping Children Live with Death and Loss, by Dinah Seibert, Judy Drolet, and Joyce Fetro.

The authors know their territory. Seibert, who teaches classes in the College of Applied Sciences and Arts, helped found her local hospice and developed its first volunteer training curriculum. Drolet and Fetro, professors of health education, both have taught courses in death education.

Their book, published by SIU Press, is a comprehensive guide to help parents, caregivers, teachers, clergy, and funeral directors deal with children's questions and feelings on the subject.

Geared towards children between 2 and 10, the book is more comprehensive than others with similar themes. Acknowledging that grownups themselves are often not well prepared to handle the issue of death and loss, it begins with a self-assessment for adults, including questionnaires on their beliefs about spirituality, death, and the afterlife.

It's crucial for adults to evaluate their own views on a subject they may never have fully confronted themselves, the authors believe. Ultimately, the self-assessments will better prepare them to discuss these issues with their children.

Establishing a dialogue is crucial. According to Seibert, Drolet, and Fetro, the most common mistake adults make is avoiding the subject. But silence can do more harm than good.

"When you attempt to shield children from [death], they know something is going on," says Seibert. "So they use their imagination, which is often worse than what is really happening. Children may make conclusions that are more harmful than the ordeal itself. They might think they are not important enough or the topic itself is unimportant."

"People feel they have to be absolutely comfortable with the subject (in order to address it with children)," says Drolet. "But no one is comfortable, not even the experts." And at any rate, the authors contend, parents are the true experts on their children.

Following the questionnaires, the book gives an overview of how young children learn about death. It covers what they should know about it at various ages, discusses ways of answering children's questions, and presents strategies for responding to a recent loss. It also lists print and online resources on the topic for adults and kids alike.

By emphasizing communication and coping skills, the authors aim to increase adults' confidence so that they can help children through the grieving process.

Even more important, they want to motivate parents and caregivers to create an atmosphere of openness and support within the family--an atmosphere that will allow children to approach them with any concerns, not just those related to death and loss.

"They need to know that they can come to you," Drolet says. "Adults should be able to say, 'I'm here for you,' and really mean it."

--by Jerry Bradley; excerpted with permission from a Southern Illinoisan article

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